How to have age-appropriate sexuality conversations

In my experience as a sexuality educator, one of the biggest barriers that parents face when having conversations with their child is fear. As discussed in my previous blog this fear is often based on parents worrying about their ability to talk about topics in an age-appropriate manner.

The most important thing to remember is who do you want to tell your child about each topic… Hopefully the answer is YOU! You want to make sure that you are the first person introducing each topic to your child, otherwise they will hear about it from  the schoolyard, social media, pornography and the world around them. 

This is why I have written a new book, called “Talking Sex A Conversation Guide for Parents”! It will be out on September 6th 2023! In my book I have a whole chapter dedicated to conversations, ages and stages, where I literally walk you through how to respond to your kids’ curly questions and what topics should be discussed at each age group. This blog will give you some insight on how to feel more comfortable. For greater support the book goes into much more detail. 

Your reaction to your kids’ curly questions is often more impactful than your answer. If you react negatively they’re less likely to turn to you again in the future for guidance and answers. So it’s really important to prepare yourself to be able to respond rather than react.

I like to teach adults that rather than reacting with a pink, angry or embarrassed face, we should respond by thinking PINK:

Pause | With a neutral, approachable look on your face - even with a smile showing you are ok with questions like this - pause for a moment.

Inhale | Take a deep breath and slowly let it out. This will help you to remain calm and pause.

Next to them | Avoid standing over your child when you respond, sit down next to them so you can be at their level. Engage and pay attention. If you’re in the car, turn down the music

Kind words | Think of the kindest, most positive thing you can say first. A positive response will show them that this is a safe space to ask more questions in the future. Here are some ideas:

“I love that you ask me such interesting questions. Let me think about my answer for a few minutes.”

 

 

“That’s a great question. What do you know about that already? How did you learn about that? What made you think of that?”

 

 

“I have been looking forward to having these chats with you. No-one ever spoke to me about this. I wish they had.”

Adults often ask me what topics they should introduce to their child and at what age group. As  I mentioned earlier, the measure is to make sure you are the first person to tell your child about each topic. This might be earlier than you expect, especially if they have older siblings or cousins.

Rules of thumb:

• You generally cannot give your child too much information, they will tune out anything that is beyond their needs at the time.
• Always try to be positive and remain ‘askable’ even if you’re confronted; use the PINK technique to respond rather than react.
• Keep coming back to the new book to familiarise yourself with typical and expected childhood sexual development and behaviour as your kids progress through different ages and stages. Develop your knowledge on these topics as they develop through life.

Here are just a few examples from my checklist of typically expected development, examples of behaviour and healthy sexuality conversations you should have with your child. It’s important to keep in mind your child’s maturity, interest, ability to understand, learning level, social circumstances when having these discussions i.e. if they are living with a disability. You can adapt this content according to the needs of your child. 

Adapted from:

• https://www.ncsby.org/content/childhood-sexual-development
• https://raisingchildren.net.au/search?query=sexuality%20sexual%20development
• True Relationships and Reproductive Health (2019) Traffic Lights Sexual behaviours in children and young people: A guide to identify, understand and respond to sexual behaviours, (v4) True, Brisbane, Queensland,

This is not a complete or comprehensive table, and is only a fraction of what is covered in the book. If you want the full rundown on what conversations you should be having with your child at each age group, buy my new book “Talking Sex A Conversation Guide for Parents!” It will be out on the 6th of September, 2023! Pre-order here via Amba Press.