10 top tips for conversations with kids about sex and sexuality
Mar 07, 2022
One of the most common questions parents ask me is what are my top tips for having conversations with kids about sex and sexuality. Even though I don’t have the magic solution to make these conversations super easy, always comfortable, and perfectly discussed, there are definitely things you can do to better prepare yourself for these conversations, and change not only your childrens’ learning around sexuality but also your own approach to this topic
Read here how my tips and sessions you with these conversations:
So here are my top tips for having conversations with kids about sex and sexuality:
- Remember, it’s mostly not about ‘sex’. You are actually teaching your child about Human Sexuality.
When we hear the word sex, most people think of ‘The Act” of heterosexual penis/vagina intercourse. In reality, this is such a small component of Human Sexuality, yet it is often the biggest barrier that prevents the conversations ever getting started!!!
Think more broadly - your positive conversations need to be about: Sexual Health, Body Safety, Naming Body Parts, Healthy & Respectful Relationships, Consent, Personal Hygiene, Reproduction Of The Human Species, Values, Society Expectations & Norms, Sexual Identity, Sexual Expression, Sexual Orientation, Sexual Diversity, Media & Technology, Communication, Self Esteem, Body Image & Most Importantly - Pleasure... just to name a few!
Listen to this podcast about the difference between sex and sexuality
- Be brave and just start - It’s never too late (or too early) to start.
Generally, you won't give a child too much information, they will tune out if they are not ready.
Use teachable moments (they are everywhere) to get started or buy a book as a ‘prop’. Remember this is not just one ‘Big Talk’, it is many conversations and most of them are not even about ‘Sex’.
- Strip back your own personal layers in your mind, of past sexual journey, experiences, and thoughts. Especially if they give you a negative attitude towards sex and sexuality.
Every adult mind has layer upon layer of their own sexual story/journey - strip these back (excuse the pun!). They are not relevant or useful to the simple questions your children are asking or information that you need to give them. The benefits for your child far outweigh your discomfort!
- Be an ask-able parent by being sex-positive. Having a positive and open attitude toward human sexuality rather than being focused on fear and danger is essential.
Always approach sex discussions with a positive attitude/outlook. If you are having difficulty embracing this positivity, I recommend you do some research/reading/homework/soul searching for yourself first.
- Sexual Health Safety and Wellbeing is one of your key responsibilities as a parent.
Just as important as teaching and preparing for other health and safety aspects of life such as water safety, healthy eating, road safety, etc.
- Keep it simple, but accurate.
Use proper names for body parts, tell the truth. Yes, it is possible your child might repeat it at school, but at least it will be accurate rather than the schoolyard version of sexuality. You can prevent this by explaining to them that it is not their ‘job’ to teach other children - it is the adult's job.
Here is a script for answering children's sexuality questions
- Use the teachable moments that are all around you all of the time.
The pregnant woman crossing the road, “Oh, that reminds me I haven't talked to you about how babies are made? What do you know about that?” Or turn on commercial radio and use song lyrics as a topic of conversations about respectful relationships. When sexualised advertising is on TV, call it out for what it is. Create a sense of questioning about the messages children are being exposed to every day.
- Talk in the car or doing dishes.
Less embarrassing for you both as you are facing away from each other. Also, in the car, they are a ‘captive’ audience! i.e. locked in :)
- Buy yourself some time and valuable insight by asking them what they already know.
“That is a great question - I am glad you asked me that, how did you hear about it?” or “Thanks for asking me that question tell me what do you already know about it?”
Here is a guide to responding to kids' questions about sex and sexuality
- Prepare yourself: Buy books, practice, and do some research.
Most parents have never had adequate sexuality education themselves. Do some reading about discussing sexuality with children, find some language ideas and conversation starters, and read up on what is appropriate for your children’s age. Knowing what to say can be hard, but remember you don't have to be perfect - saying something is better than nothing!
These conversations get easier the more that you have them. Hear how other parents have used these tips to tackle tricky conversations at home:
Start with these tips and jump in! Let me know how you go!
Other blogs on talking to kids about healthy sexuality:
“Mum…how does the man stop the wee from coming out when he is putting the seed in the vagina?”
Parents: the main teachers of gender & expected roles and stereotypes for young children
